1.We Called It America
Remember when America had a middle class
And an upper class, that was way before the exodus
That was the America that we thought was number one,
Thought would overcome, thought would never die
That was just our pride and faith, two shitty deadly sins
I know faith isn't one of 'em but it should have been
Cuz when things were crumbling, we had no camaraderie
Just a faith someone would save us from despondence
We called it America
Number one America was a slogan used to keep morale up
When we knew we were already cooked
Then the richer western states, succeeded in secession
And the eastern ones followed right behind.
Mexi-Can-America was the perfect name that
Epitomized the order of significance, authority and affluence
We had turned it all around
Went from number one straight to number two (shit)
We called it America
National bankruptcy, circumcised society
USA dined and ditched, Fox reports 'poor is the new rich'
We called it America
2.The Quitter Download
Be a winner not a problem admitter un quit
Better to be a hepper than a healthy 12 stepper, forfeit
You wanna keep it goin' but you don't know how
Everyone at meetings gets a Lwenbru
You quit, you're shit, you're a quitter (I quit, I'm shit, I'm a
quitter)
And no one likes you
Start a pattern of behavior; I see no reason to stop.
You got a habit, got to have it 'til it's finished don't stop
The Charlie Chan's chopped, Pabst pitcher been poured
You got a spare kidney and your liver looks bored
So stop fucking around (With friends like you I'm fucked)
You're buying the next round
You wanna be a Thompson, Hemingway, Bukowski
Banging Bill Burroughs lived to 83
You're famous and you're rich, quit acting like a bitch (You're
a fucking dickhead)
And no one likes you!
3.First Call
All my neighbors are fast asleep
And I can't find anything to drink
The McKenzies drank all the grain alcohol
So I'm headed down the street to first call
Me and the Bads were staying up late
Kitty and Victor got dropped from the plate
But no one was contented with the Wednesday wassail
So I said it's only four short blocks to first call
Not a walk of shame it's a walk of pride
Peoples goin' to work while we're getting cockeyed
The sun's coming up and the drinks are goin' down
So shut the fuck up and I'll get the next round
6 am, we'll start all over again
No one applying the brakes
We'll stop the sweats and the shakes
We're gonna eat pickled egg
We're gonna see Toby Jeg
We're not gonna let sun light have effect on our fun
It smells like bleach, adult diapers and mold
And everyone around me's over 60 years old
But we're gonna share the next hour or two
We all got each other and nothing better to do
Irish coffee, and Irish car bomb
A fat drunk jew starts singing this song
I take a closer look and the fat guy is me
So I buy him a shot, and he buys me back three
6 am, we'll start all over again
No one applying the brakes
We'll stop the sweats and the shakes
We're gonna eat pickled egg
We're gonna hang with Dave Gregg
We're not gonna let sun light help decide when we're done
All my neighbors are fast asleep
And I can't find anything to drink
The Loved Ones drank all of my alcohol
So I'm gonna be the very first one at first call.
4.My Orphan Year
My father had dementia
He lied in bed for months
Once in a while he'd call me
And ask me to fly down
I told him that I'd love to
But I had things to do
And so he died without his son
I heard about it drunk after a show
My mother battled cancer
For over seven years
I nursed her and I held her
When time was running out
The night before she left me
I drank scotch all night
And thanked her for everything she'd done
Raising me alone wasn't much fun
Dad I can forgive you, but I'll never forget,
Months I wouldn't see you and when I did
You'd be out with your friends all night
Alone and only nine
I watched the outer limits
And scared out of my mind
I wonder if you felt the same
The days before you died
I wonder if you even knew
Why I wouldn't come around
I bet if you had been there,
There wouldn't be this song
2006 goodbye parents
For once I am sincere
2006 my orphan year
5.Blasphemy (The Victimless Crime)
I'll throw a pie in the face of piety
I'll torch a torah right off a bridge
I am a reverend of irreverence
I'm a shill for any sacrilege
I understand that faith in a deity
Helps the masses who are having hard times
But blasphemy like prostitution
Are clearly victimless crimes
Blasphemy, blasphe-you,
Jesus Christ the blackest Jew
Blasphe-you, blasphemy,
poisonous pedagogy
I'm an unbeliever, I'm a heretic
I'm gonna projectile puke off a pew
I'm a trouble making immature imp
I'm gonna turn your other cheek for you
I understand we all need something to believe in
I believe I'll never be given wings and
I'm sorry if it's up there cuz I didn't think
A song was gonna hurt its feelings
Blasphemy, speaking deadpan
Apparently this god has got a master plan
Now they call foul, pure heresy
But ya gotta wonder, does he have a plan B'
Horus similar to Mithra, Attis analogous to Krishna
Jesus, different name same story
My position hasn't been occulted
It can never be more overstated
My intelligence has been insulted
So my tongue lashes out in defense
Anything that is your holy or sacred
I'm gonna desecrate and use in jest
But you'll never hear a crack about Mohammed
Cuz I don't wanna get shot in the chest
Blasphemy, isn't this fun
Rob a rabbi, bugger a nun
Blasphemy, want some more'
Mother Mary, the virgin whore
6.Creeping Out Sara
I was backstage at a festival in Germany
Talking to a cute, fair skinned brunette
I asked her if she wanted to have a beer
and if she liked our set
I noticed that her hair was longer in the back
I figured that's cuz she's canadian
That's why I was surprised
when she told me she was fully lesbian
That's when I realized it was Sara
or maybe it was Tegan
I'm pretty sure that it was Sara
Cuz Johnny Samson said she was the cool one
I told her that I was a big fan of her band
She asked me if I had a favorite song
I admitted that I never actually heard them
But I like K.D. Lang
I told her this Jew knows about the Junos
and how they got robbed three times in a row
And then I asked her if she knew of anyone
who's selling pills or blow
That's when I creeped out Sara
Or maybe I just pissed her
off when I asked her if her sister
And her had ever had a threesome
Where they both ganged up on one girl
A fourgy or a fivesome
Do they think strapons are groovy
And had they ever seen the movie
'Bound', and did they like Jenifer Tilly
Did they like Jennifer Tilly
Sara said she
Preferred Gina Gershon
Angelina Jolie
In a 'Gia' movie
That was on HBO
And 'If these walls could talk'
Made Tegan cry alot
After that I almost forgot what she said
That's the problem with Diazepam
So many things I don't remember
But I got a sinking feeling
It's not that i'm a clairvoyant
But I think I creeped out Sara
I was creeping out on Sara
I hope it wasn't Tegan
Cuz Skiba said she is the cooler one
7.Eddie,Bruce And Paul
What happened to Bruce, Eddie and Paul
What happened to Bruce, Eddie and Paul
and Eddie had it good, but Paul loved his cocaine,
and Eddie hated punks
So, after a couple years, Eddie broke it off with Paul,
to look for a new man (A new man)
Paul got fucked, fucked by Steve,
Eddie's at the red lion(？) looking for a new Steve
Searching for a bo(？) who sings in falsetto
What happened to Bruce, Eddie and Paul
What happened to Eddie, Paul and Bruce
and Sampson knew Eddie,
was looking for a long term, stable relationship
With Paul no longer around, Bruce left Sampson for Eddie,
cause Steve convinced him to
Kudos to Paul, fuck you Bruce,
How you supposed to rock n roll without substance abuse
You never rub the piece(？), is in bed with Rob, and Judas Priest
8.Best God In Show
I've no consideration, zero mutual respect
For billions who suffer from rational thought neglect
I don't wanna waste a sentence, I don't want a convert-sation
That's gonna end in disdain, disbelief and aggravation
And I find it's getting harder to hang out
With grown adults who actually believe
In Santa Claus and Noah's Ark and that their god is the best
My distaste has turned into detest
Who would read a 2000 year old medical journal
Techniques for bloodletting, advice on Trichinosis
Would you navigate the globe with a map of a flat earth
Without DNA testing, would you believe virgin birth
I find it's getting painful to put up
With grown adults who actually believe
In Unicorns and Creation, and god always takes their side
That's when my innocent jabbing turns snide
Thank god for the grammy, thank god for the touchdown
Thank god for blowing up the enemy's sacred ground
So how am I supposed to take anything you say seriously'
When you've swapped free will for faith, how and pre-destiny
And it's getting agonizing to hang out
With grown adults who actually believe
Mythology and history trump physics and science
My aversion has turned to abhorrence
9.Suits And Ladders
I got manicured fingers and toes
I got 4 layers of pee-soaked clothes but I'm still condescending
Your as and teeth permanent browned
Your face is permanently frowned and I have everything I want
Your life's gotta really suck
You gotta hustle all day just to make the bucks
To get high enough just to forget about what you've become
You're the one who lives nowhere
You think you're life's more than a game of suits and ladders
When nothing really matters
You're not just fluous, you're superfluous
You don't actually do anything, a human redundancy
40 year old Macallans, 40 Old English ounces
Henry the IV double shot
I just finished a bottle of Old Crow
I just bought a case of Chateau Margaux, not the 95, the 96
Your house is of corrections
Your house is full of collections of crap
You bought from selling others out
You're the one who has nothing
Your life is a game of unstable bladders,
When nothing really matters
You woke up today covered in droppings (stock or bird)
When the bottom drops,
my life won't change a bit but yours will turn to shit
You are a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man
You're quite a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man
You are a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man
You're quite a superfluous man, I am a superfluous man
10.The Agony Of Victory
Come on underachievers
Come on all you underpass believers
We'll give you the skill for street livin'
It feels pretty great to just give in, so just give in
Dropouts, repeat offenders
We'll take the weary, weak, the street bartenders
Show 'em the best times are on the street
Satisfaction through the thrill of defeat, ain't it sweet
Once you stop yourself from caring
About owning stuff, that's when you wanna start sharing
Cuz all the things we want are cheap or free
I define success as not working and I live like a king
We've got no competition
We've got no accomplished mission
We just wanna live and let others live
Of course we'll take anything you wanna give, so fucking give
Come on, dance like a retard
Life's an endless party not a punch card
I don't understand some people's drive
Let's just fuck and drink and be alive, not just survive.
11.I Am An Alcoholic
I liked going to school,
I didn't want to fool around with drugs
Cuz all of my friends were dropping out
I had to get stuff done, I wasn't fun
I didn't try pot 'til I was 21,
but now I'm overcompensating
I'd like to see what morning looks like
Don't wanna drink pint after pint
I wanna wake up without feeling sick
But I can't cuz I'm a drug-abusing alcoholic
At 28 I realized hydrocodone was great
For hangovers and late night hangs
I decided to spend my life having the best of times
It's too bad most of them I'll probably forget
And now I know what morning looks like
But only when I greet it from the previous night
My friends are telling me that I need to find a clinic
But I won't cuz I'm a drug-addicted alcoholic
12.One Million Coasters
Coasters and Frisbees
Fish lures for deep seas
Mobiles for infants
They make great Christmas tree ornaments
Bring the whole family, parking is free
You're going to love our selectin of 8-track tapes,
Blank floppy discs, mobile car phones,
Atari 2600 consoles
Guard rail reflectors
Hold 'em hand protectors
Halloween handouts
We got a ten-thousand foot warehouse
Full of cassette tapes, Persimmon woods,
Ink jet printers, telephone booths,
Sony Walkman's, Kodak 110's,
Analog TV's, Betamax's, and 10 million CD's
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